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19 March 2021

Scientists Solve Maclean Mystery.

The scientific community is abuzz today with the discovery of an extraordinary phenomenon spanning both hemispheres of the planet, we can reveal.

In a lengthy interview with your Clarence Valley reporter this morning, Head Scientician at the Global Institute of Sciencey Things (GIST), Professor June Ridgway described these occurrences as ‘beautiful, baffling and unique’.

“What we’re witnessing is a wholesale transfer of vibrational energy from the Northern Hemisphere to the South.” Ms Ridgway explained to your reporter.

“At first we thought it was El Nino… or La Nina… I always get the two mixed up, to be honest, but it’s become clear that this exchange of elemental forces is too specific to put down to those climate patterns.

“Using infrared satellite imaging, we’ve pinpointed the wellspring of the phenomenon at 55.9533° N, 3.1883° W, and found it terminates at 29.4486° S, 153.2148° E – a distance of 16, 520 kilometres.”

Professor Ridgway paused for dramatic effect.

“That’s right! That first location is Edinburgh, Scotland, and that second location is the town of Maclean, in the Clarence Valley!

“What we’re seeing here, to put it in scientific terms, is a transfer of ‘Scottish Awesomeness’ from Edinburgh – epicentre of all things Scottish – to Maclean – already the most Scottish town in Australia.

“We believe this is directly connected to Maclean’s upcoming Highland Gathering, April 2nd and 3rd. It’s the strongest hypothesis we have at this stage.

“Being the most Scottish town in Australia, Maclean already runs at an extremely impressive day-to-day level of 23.6 percent Scottish Awesomeness anyway, with the remaining 76.4 percent made up of your regular Clarence Valley Awesomeness – you know, amazing coastal/riverside/country location, epic humans, blah blah blah, the usual incredible stuff we can so easily take for granted sometimes.

“We’ve been taking readings of a steady surge in Scottish energy in Maclean and surrounding areas in the last week or so, and levels of Scottish Awesomeness were at 46.8 percent as of eight o’clock this morning. The latest modelling indicates it will reach the fifty percent barrier within 36 hours.

“When this force of Scottishness and Awesomeness touches down from the stratosphere after crossing the globe, we understand it then gets distributed to all of Maclean via the town’s network of Tartan-covered powerpoles. Which makes sense.

“We’ve had a team of observers on the ground in Maclean for the last couple of days, and they’re reporting that as this Awesomeness arrives in raw form and synthesises itself into Maclean’s atmosphere, its sheer potency results in random and intense hyper-Scottishness surging through residents and visitors.

“Shoppers in Maclean’s Spar supermarket have been witnessed involuntarily breaking out into Highland Dancing in the aisles, their raised arms knocking hundreds of items off neatly stocked shelves, and their side-kicks have been completely levelling elaborate produce displays.

“Local farmers are reporting sightings of the elusive Haggis worrying their cattle. (Editor’s note: the Haggis is a remarkable creature with its right limbs shorter than it’s left to facilitate running in clockwise circles around steep Scottish mountainsides while remaining balanced.)

Piper

“A number of gentlemen in the area have reported an overwhelming desire to try on their wives’ skirts in the morning, saying a kilt affords them a more natural freedom of movement and expression.

“Most incredibly, we’ve had anecdotal reports of a fisherman in nearby Brooms Head, who pulled ashore a large octopus – tucking the poor creature’s head under one arm, putting one of its tentacles in his mouth and blowing hard as he could. We’re hearing the creature emitted an eerie and haunting moan that could be heard some distance away, so ironically the Octopus proved to be easier to play than actual Bagpipes.

Sensing your reporter’s alarm, Professor Ridgway paused and smiled reassuredly.

“Don’t be concerned, these anomalies are minor glitches, compared to the positivity, warmth, hospitality and good humour flooding into the area, as the town counts down to its annual Highland Gathering, when Scottish Awesomeness will peak at 100 percent, and we’ll all be transported joyously to the highlands with the cultural resonance of music, dancing, sports and feats of strength, all fuelled by deep respect and admiration for our Scottish forebears and the unique heritage of this area.

“It’s definitely something to be experienced.”

Professor Ridgway – by now talking in a broad Scottish accent herself – ended our interview sounding a small note of caution.

“One thing to note is our meteorologists have been picking up early changes in cloud formation as part of this phenomenon, and are forecasting a dense layer of Nimbostratus cloud – more common in Scotland – over Maclean for the Easter weekend.

“We’re hypothesising that this cloud cover exists to counter the potential downside to Scottish Awesomeness – which as we all know is a predisposition to ginger hair and fair, freckled complexions – which the harsh Northern Rivers sun does not treat kindly in the long term, and in the short term renders the exposed Scot momentarily ill-tempered and surly.

“So there’s that.”

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